adulting 101

okay, so i did a thing y’all.

a big thing.

a making moves,

big gal,

grown up thing.

.

..

…

i put in an application for an apartment!

crazy, i know! talk about adulting! it is time though and honestly has been for awhile now. the only thing that was holding me back was the lack of decent places for a reasonable price - in my hometown they are rather non-existent. that is until i remembered there was one other option i had forgotten about. i did the research, found the application, printed it, and filled it out! unfortunately, because the place i would rent only has a select amount of spaces not only are the chances of them being full very likely, but they also are sure to have a decent waitlist. when i talked with my cousin who also has rented through them she mentioned it taking her about 5 months before getting a place. ideally enough i am hoping that would be about the same amount of time for me to get in as i would like to move out after the worst of winter/beginning of spring.

i haven’t even gotten the apartment and just the thought is exciting enough. i mean i could not even begin to tell you how long i have had boards on Pinterest filled with housing inspiration. trust me, it is a lot. the idea of having my little own oasis where everything is decorated to my likening. ahh. i am melting with joy just thinking about it. my little slice of the world. my unique vibe. oh! and organizing! yes, yes, yes! i am here for it all. the aesthetic is going to be absolutely beautiful. honestly my elementary self is thriving thinking of it because a little known fact about me is that i used to dream of being a designer, fashion and interior.

i mention this because 1. i am beyond excited for this new chapter of life when it comes and 2. because it has been helping me to enjoy the process instead of rushing to the next step/s. my worker side of me loves completing tasks. whenever i have things to get done you can bet your booty i am on it. like work through lunch to get done motivation. I truly dislike “wasted time.” what i understand now though is that there are times when it is okay not to rush though everything, where it is okay to let the process last. i guess getting used to deadlines in school was a trait that had moved over to everyday life. as if everything had to get done, now and asap. that definitely did not nor does not adhere to our mental health and also sometimes has us missing out on other aspects of life. for me, that looked like missing out socially at times. now, i don’t mean when there are things to do at work don’t do them! absolutely not! i value a hard worker, but when it comes to stressing over not getting every little task done i wanted to over the weekend those are the times when it’s okay to slow down. the process is the part we should be enjoying.

so maybe this move is just the beginning of another new chapter in my life, and the beginning of adulting, but i love it. i love it even knowing that there with be struggles, and trial and errors, and probably some tearful nights reminiscing on the youthful days where bills and such we only in the distant future, but it is so exciting. words can not even begin to describe the feeling that i am feeling and the warmth in my heart for this. to life and new adventures! now, let’s just hope i get a place!

the mask we live in

as i scanned the aisles at church this past Sunday i thought to myself how ironic it is that we are all wearing masks now. physically it’s new, but i wouldn’t say wearing a mask or at least putting up a facade is new. we naturally wear “masks” to cover up all of the imperfections of our lives. we share the highlights we ease, but when it comes to the less picturesque things that even slightly suggest we don’t “have it all together” we sweep them away. even when we do share some of the imperfections it is after having found a way through, maybe even a solution. whether it is to hide personal imperfections or at the cost of pressures that come along with societal views of gender roles, race, religion, sexuality, political views, etc. as humans we have a hard time just being raw and real and honest.

i know i put my mask on from time to time and i am not just talking about my cloth mask, although i do that as well. i am talking about the front that i put up when i don’t want people to know what is really going on. the front that makes other people think i have it together when all i feel is lost and confused. the front that i long to give to god, but feel it is my duty to carry.

so i want to be as straight forward as i can be, take the mask down, because i know that this season has not just been hard for me. it has been a tough time for us all. it’s different, it's slower, it’s unfamiliar. it’s particularly messy and it’s okay if you have’t been feeling okay. you don’t always have to have it all together or all figured out. with that said a few weeks ago i had found out that my last planned trip for the year had been cancelled (obviously due to covid) and i was completely devastated. i remember my boyfriend telling me at dinner and i just sat there quietly, as if a bomb waiting to go off, and once i couldn’t hold it in any longer i cried, and cried, and then cried some more. honestly by this point, after i went to blow my nose, i was bawling. the tears wouldn’t stop. in that moment i felt trapped, hopeless, and alone and i would be lying if i said that those feelings all went away. this was the only thing that i had been looking forward to. the last thing that i placed hope in - the thing that said hey! the year is not ruined. the thing is though is that i was placing so much of my excitement on the future that i forgot to focus on the present.

to be present. to be grounded. to be centered. those things all seem like they have been so far away and even when i do grasp them before i know it they have faded away and the stress and anxiety have come back. learning to be still is tough. learning to be vulnerable is also tough, but i find it’s harder to breathe with the mask on then it is off. i believe when we take down the mask we have allowed society to place on us - when our authentic selves are free it is also easier to breathe, to find peace, to be centered, grounded, and present. to just simply be.

yesterday, was the first day in awhile that i was able to do just that. the night before i decided that it was time to take a much needed day off from work and you want to know what as much as i needed and wanted it i struggled to send the message because it’s not always easy to admit needing a break. i sent the message though and it was the best thing to do. it was such a beautiful feeling to just be even if it was just for a day. i did not worry about getting a list full of things done. instead i did the things that i wanted to do. i had a slow morning reading my devotionals, got a nice sweat in, had a wholesome visit with my nana, and read while cuddled in my blanket with the sweet sounds of rain just outside my window. not to mention i got to spend the evening with my love for a lovely little date night. talk about the beauty of being present. it wasn’t a trip to Paris or an concert or anything big and yet, all the same it was perfect.

i am not sure why this year has been all over the place to say the least with all that has and is going on, but maybe, just maybe, this all has been god’s way of saying hey, my children there is more to this seemingly mess. maybe it is time we take this mess and find the message/s. i think that one of those messages is finding the beauty in now. being present again.

if you have read this far what is something you have learned or have been reminded of during this year?

hear ye, hear ye

have you ever been told that sometimes it’s best to not say anything at all? or been told that you need to stop complaining? chances are that at least once in your lifetime you have been told either one of these phrases or something else similar in nature; basically a hint to just be quiet. i know i have been told those phrases before and honestly i have even used those same words when speaking to others, but what i have come to notice is such phrases also leave us unsure when it is okay to vocalize our feelings (whether that is because we are worried other people will judge us, or simply not care about what we have to say) which makes senses because naturally we as humans want relationships with people. we want to be known, seen, heard, and loved, but when we aren’t it is so easy to push those feelings inside and hold everything in.

been there! done that! and you know i am sure to continue experiencing it. it is natural.

but here is your reminder that holding everything in and trying to fight the battle on your own is no way to live. it is unhealthy and leaves you feeling overwhelmed. which is really how i had been feeling for the past weeks as i recently discussed in previous blog. i had been in my head with all my feelings and believing they weren’t “good enough” reasons to be upset or “good enough” reasons to be worried or “good enough” reasons to be confused so i held on to each one as if i had an unlimited amount of room for them. the thing is the more thoughts i kept in the heavier the load was and although i am strong i am no goddess who has endless powers or muscles. i am human and that means i have limits.

strange enough i didn’t even realize i was keeping so much to myself, until i finally laid it all out. shared every thought no matter how un-put together if felt. laid out my feeling and needs and was respectful and patient when i poured my heart out.

and i kid you not it was as if the load was lifted from me. i don’t recall if i made the connections right then and there, but i definitely felt calmer the days after. keeping things to ourselves may seem best in certain situations, but i really do believe that it is so important to share your thoughts and feelings with someone or multiple someones.

your voice is a powerful force. it is meant to be heard.

truly. what you have to say matters and has value and even if not everyone wants to acknowledge it, don’t let that stop you from speaking up and out. i have done that far too much and it will eat away at you. it is an isolating place that can really play with your mind. not to mention the stress and anxiety it will cause which can further lead to other healthy issues.

reaching out indeed can be a challenge and especially when you feel you don’t have someone to talk to or someone who gets you and responds the way you need, but it is necessary and there are people who are willing to listen. i know i am - always. if you need someone to talk to my email and social media accounts are always open. don’t hesitate to send a message and i will get back to you as soon as possible.

soul food

happy wednesday you beautiful people you. i want to start off by saying i hope you are all thriving as always. this week i decided to take a bit of a different route with the topic of discussion, especially because the last few weeks have been rather vulnerable i figured it was time for a good fix of some light hearted love. so, i decided what better way then to talk about cooking! we all love food, or at least i hope you love food. heck, even if you don’t love it, it is sure something you need to survive.

cooking though has never been my thing, but thanks to my boyfriend i must say that i am growing to enjoy it. don’t let that fool you though because it still stresses me out and i’m still too afraid to cook meat aside from chicken and fish as well as for the most part i stick to the recipe spot on. hey, i am learning and it has been such a fun process.

with that being said i wanted to share a couple recipes. these are not mine and all credit goes to those who did create them, but they are just too good not to share. these select few have been some of my most enjoyed meals that i have made thus far ~

meals:

treats:

what is so great though is that my little journey with cooking has taught me a few other things in the process which of course means i want to share with you. not only do we want to fuel our bodies with delicious food, we want to feed our souls with knowledge.

first and foremost cooking has made me look at my relationships with others differently because the way we feel loved may be different from the way our family members and peers feel loved. that is really what started this whole adventure with cooking for me. having talked about our love languages my boyfriend and i came up with ways we feel most loved and provided each other with a small list that each other could do periodically to show their love. although my boyfriend loves cooking one of the ways he best receives love is through acts of services which he boiled down to me cooking at least occasionally for him. obviously it was a fair enough request and i guess you can say i love him quite a bunch because i don’t just cook for anyone. he is loved so much it became a weekly thing that tuesday i would make us dinner.

it did not stop there though, because i also learned that sometimes we need a bit of a push (myself included). if it weren’t for my boyfriend and his request to show love through cooking for us i probably wouldn’t be making as many meals as i have been which would be a real shame seeing that in the short amount of time i have learned so much and cooked quite a few meals on my own. i think too often we feel as if it isn’t our place in peoples lives to tell them what they should and shouldn’t do, which i completely get, but sometimes it’s okay to do so too. sometimes we need that extra push - we need someone to be straight up with us. of course in a kind and respectful way, but our journey is not meant to be completely on our own. the other day i explained how i saw it to a friend like this:

“i think of it [our life - our goals] has a marathon. you have to do the hard work of running it or walking it (either way is progress no matter how fast you go) but just because it’s up to you to complete it doesn’t mean there can’t be help along the way. maybe that help looks like bringing water, or walking/running along side with encouraging words. if you were thirsty what are you likely to do? drink the water given to you or skip out on it? most likely you would drink it. the path is yours but you in no way have to do it all on your own”

sometimes these encouraging words are easier than others but i learned that sometimes we have to get comfortable with getting uncomfortable because when you are honest with people and effectively communicate the people in your life will appreciate that honesty. sometimes it’s hard news to swallow, but sometimes it’s also necessary.

lasty, i was reminded that even though we can enjoy something doesn’t mean it is always enjoyable. i have grown to enjoy cooking, but it still causes me stress at times and often even depending on my day it is not my favorite thing to do. the thing is my stress and energy level, etc. do not define my whole experience and it’s not just when it comes to cooking. that is also true for our goals and life in general. having something bad happen today does not mean it was a bad day. or take my Saturday for instance i cried on and off from seven to midnight. i am fine and nothing crazy big happened to make me so hysteric - hormones ya’ll, (ladies you know what i mean). it really wasn’t a bad day though. the morning was nice and relaxing as well as productive. not only did i sleep in, have a slow morning, and chat with my nana, but i went through my emails, rebooked my justin bieber concert tickets, read some of my book, and started laundry. pretty solid day if i do say so myself.

if you made it this far leave you favorite recipes below! i would love to try them (:

have a blessed week loves!

i still believe

sunday night my boyfriend and i watched a sad movie. not a kind of or a little sad movie. no, it was a based on true events cry until sniffles and snot come and then just when you think you are done crying you cry some more. only me? truly, when i tell you i get into movies i really get into them - to the point i imagine if that were me. what was more touching though was the fact that it was a faith based movie, and that despite all of the horrible tragic happenings the two main people experienced they remained strong in their faith. it was beautiful and moving and something i have yearned to have lately; unwavering faith.

now i don’t mean to say i have not had any faith recently. faith has always been apart of my life just as having a relationship with god. the journey, however, is not perfect (not that it ever is) and the past couple months it has been something i have really struggled with. my relationship with god has felt strained and distant. unsure how to fill in that gap, to bring it back to what it once was and to continue growing closer to him, i cried and cried some more, until i reminded myself that even though it has been a struggle lately i too still believe.

i still believe in a greater purpose even when i don’t understand.

i still believe in a faithful god who loves and cares for me with my best intentions at heart.

i still believe that i am a worthy of good things, people, places, and experiences.

i still believe that the good always outweighs the bad.

i still believe that everything we go through helps us grow.

i still believe that god has a beautiful plan for us all.

this season has not been what i had expected or hoped for, as there have been a lot of challenges, but if i have learned one thing it is that i still believe. no matter what life tries to throw my way i will not be shaken. it may have taken a night full of tears to really lay out that i needed that connection with god again to strengthen my faith, but this morning on my way to work though i noticed a greater sense of joy and i felt part of what seemed to be missing; that connection. funny enough, i don’t think that connection or faith ever really left - it was just crowded. my relationship with god had stood at a stand still because the fears and uncertainties blocked my view of him. once i began to lay those fears and uncertainties down at his feet did i once again feel that connection. i am still building that connection again, always will, and it is such a beautiful beautiful thing. if you are like me and have been struggling in this season this is your reminder that you are not alone. he is always right there, patiently waiting for you to give him all of the things that hold you back and that aren’t part of his plan. he is here and his plans are so much greater than what we can imagine.

he is with you:

“be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the lord your god is with you wherever you go.” - joshua 1:9

and he has a plan for you:

“for i know the plans i have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - jeremiah 29:11

lying to myself

hopefully the title reeled you in and you are curious as to what i mean by saying that i lie to myself. you might even be thinking girl that isn’t even possible, but did you ever think about the fact that our brain not only makes up our dreams, but is also surprised by them? mind blowing right?! so when i say i sometimes lie to myself, and i know i am not alone when i say this, it is so true. at some point or another we all do and it often comes in the i’m not good enough attitude. or that could never happen to me. i don’t have x, y, z. it might even sound like i’m not worthy or i don’t deserve this, but oh honey, those are big fat lies with a capital L. for me lately though the lies have not been focused on myself per say, at least in that same regard, but they have focused around the what ifs; negative addition.

this past weekend, friday to be exact, i ended up going out to my friends cabin to celebrate her birthday. up until the day the day or two before though i honestly was so overwhelmed not because i didn’t want to go, but because i was thinking about all the possible things that could go wrong (a habit that has seemed to increase over covid19); getting seasick, bad weather, being stuck, not feeling well, etc, etc. etc. they may sound kind of silly, but they were some real fears. regardless of the fears though i wanted to go and i hated that these fears were even present in my thoughts. i was worked up. i was stressed, and then stressed about being stressed. let me tell you those lies are dangerous little guys. why? because they can keep us from doing the things we want and sometimes even need. for me, this time it looked like almost skipping out on a fun cabin trip.

thankfully, i was able to recognize those lies - identifying them as such was my saving grace. well.. that along with some meditation, and jesus (worship music and lots of prayer). and guess what? i survived! unfortunately i had a headache while there and a couple times i noticed some anxious thoughts, but having been able to pin point the lies and combat them with reassuring words as well as re-grounding myself i was able to not only go, but also have a good time. not to mention it reminded me just how much of powerful forces we are and especially when we take the time to understand how our vessel works.

the time we are living in right now is scary. it is uncertain. it is unpredictable and challenging. at times isolating, but. yes, there is always a BUT. but it is a beautiful time to learn more about ourselves, understanding how our vessel works, and not only be able to identify those pesky lies because they will come, but learning to combat them with more uplifting words.

i think one of the biggest things for me when pushing aside those lies is not letting them stop me form whatever it is i want to do. i could have easily skipped out on the cabin trip, but not only would i have missed out on a night filled with fun and laughter i would have let those lies win. they would have had the power and the more i let them have power the less power i have over my life, over my goals. we have to challenge the lies and when we successfully do so we create more reason to not believe them.

so, what lies have you been telling yourself lately and what are some ways you can combat them?

when it rains it pours

they say when it rains it pours - sounds like ketchikan if you ask me. i am still curious though as to where summer has gone. it really feels as if fall as come early and winter will be shortly upon us, but that is besides the point. i am talking about a series of unfortunate events. you know the times when one bad thing occurs, and then it seems as if everything that could go wrong is going wrong. not to mention all the things you didn’t even think about going wrong also go wrong.

that is how my day was looking monday morning. before 9 am rolled around i had woke up feeling confused by the night before thoughts, annoyed by my hair not looking how i wanted it to after curling it, was running late to work, as well as full body bumped into a chair. it might not seem to be a whole lot, but i will tell you during that morning it felt as is the whole day would be bad. having listened to the what we said podcast episode “how to attract good things into your life” Sunday evening i was not okay with just letting the day be ruined by thoughts that carried on to the morning. i decided to manifest a good day by affirming myself that it was going to be a good day, that i have a lot to be thankful for, and that i was loved and seen. did i believe it right away? honestly not really, but i continued to repeat it. i breathed. focused on each moment and took it one at a time. how did my day go? it surprisingly was a pretty good day. it was far better than what i had imagined it to be and when it came to my painting not turning out as i hoped i was (aside from being a bit bummed) rather calm. not to mention i easily moved on which as you know is not like the perfectionist reaction i usually have. it definitely could have helped that my client was there and part of my job is modeling appropriate behavior/reactions, but even my internal reaction was one that was not as fazed as i have gotten before.

when you strive for a good day, and have good vibes, that same energy comes back to you. you really do get back what you put out and even when you might not get exactly what you are hoping for that positive attitude keeps your day cheery and bright.

those same positive thoughts can help you achieve your goals. yes, you can manifest your goals as well. remember when i said i would write a piece for a magazine? that was me manifesting it, me putting it into the universe, and even though it hasn’t happened yet, ohhh just you wait and see, it is going to happen.

sure when it rains it pours, but what they forget to tell us is that when it shines it glows.

our positive mindset can have the same effect as our negative mindset. when we focus on the negatives it is easy to notice the other negatives, but when we seek out the positives, oh how the other positives shine. i always say it, but i will say it again because where our mind at matters. our mindset can help set how our day is going to be - i hope you choose a positive one.

disclaimer: a positive mindset does not mean we won’t face bad days or that we aren’t attuned to reality it simply means we actively seek out the good and don’t get caught up on the bad.

some affirmations to help manifest the good!

  • i am exactly where i am meant to be.

  • everything has a purpose; the good, the bad, the great.

  • i am worthy, loved, and seen.

  • today is going to be a good day.

  • i have so much to be thankful for. i am thankful for…

  • i love, support, and believe in myself.

  • there is no place for negative self-talk in my life.

courageous you

hello you beautiful you, if you are new here welcome and if you are a regular or semi-regular reader then welcome back. this past week has been something else for me. i have struggled with stress, anxiety, pain, and confusion thus finding the beauty and focusing on it was in no way an easy task, but if you remember last week’s post, this one’s for me, this is far from what life is meant to be. stress, anxiety, pain, and confusion those aren’t it. we should have peace, stillness, and living the life we want to create. getting there is half the battle though, right?

exactly. it takes courage to proclaim your life and work towards filling it.

courage. what a powerful word. i think oftentimes when we imagine courage we think of bravery, we think of strength, and confidence, maybe even boldness. we grow up thinking that we either have it or we don’t. however, with this train of thought we tend to miss that both courage and bravery are not to be based around seemingly having it all together. instead, courage is quite the opposite. courage is about continuing to push through the uncertainty and fear that oftentimes gets in our way of greater things. courage while at times may be loud and bold can also be quiet and gentle. 

a few weeks ago, while meeting with a group of jesus loving boss babes we actually touched on this topic. we talked about how courage can be expressed in a wide range. courage could be saying hello to a coworker in the store or raising your hand to answer a question in school. i know i can relate to both of these. i can remember even in college being overwhelmed to speak in class. presentations were not too bad because with those i could practice and practice and practice until it was just right, but if you asked me a question or my opinion out of the blue i would freeze as if everything i learned in the past weeks were suddenly erased from my brain. or there would be times when i would want to answer and would literally have a conversation in my head telling myself i should speak up. more than not i would talk myself out of it or wait so long someone else would answer, but the times i did speak up, man, now that took courage. i still can picture my slightly shaking hand rising up and over my head, breath quickening, and face getting hot to the touch. sweaty? yes, even a bit sweaty. a lovely image, but i was so proud of those moments, because even though i was unsure and afraid i was able to step out of my comfort zone. that .2 seconds of courage more than not leads us to some of the greatest, most vibrant times we will ever experience in our lives; not to mention those moments challenge and help us grow to the individuals we have always been meant to be.

i often think about that leap of faith when i am wrestling with fear. more specifically though i reflect on a time i literally took a leap of faith (not just figuratively). set the scene; it is december 2018 on the big island of hawaii, south side. there are clear blue skies, lush greenery, and the heat from the sun is warming your whole body. now i am not sure if you have all heard of ka lae, also known as south point. this location is the southernmost point on the big island and known for its cliff jump. after having heard about it i thought to myself how cool it would be to successfully cliff jump, but i also had the idea that even though it was a cool thought i would never have the courage it took to do so myself. my family and i decided that we would at least go and check it out, watch some other people do it, and carry on our way. the idea, however, did not leave my mind even after several days. so a few days later when we drove past it i asked if we could go back - i wanted to cliff jump. stripped down to my brick colored bikini standing at the edge looking down all the fears came rushing back and suddenly i was not sure if i would actually be able to do it. i am not sure how long i stood there, ready, walking closer, than walking back, wiping palms against my nervous legs, but it was quite some time. then i reminded myself that .2 seconds was all it takes. i breathed in one last time and jumped off of that ledge, flailed my way to the water and popped my head back up. despite the little bit of water that i almost swallowed i had done it. i had boldly and loudly (screamed and splashed) into a moment that i am still a bit shocked to have said i did indeed do. less than a second was all it took and i'm so glad i did. how rewarding to see even with uncertainties that you are capable. while not completely successful as my jump was no graceful swan like dive it also goes to show the fact of trying is so important to hold on to because the perseverance and determination it takes will always lead to success. 

so here i was on this same trip in hawaii, and i had also been wanting to create a website which i did, or at least had been in the process of before scratching it and starting a new one. i do not remember how long i had worked on my first website, but i remember it was on wix.com and i had typed up a couple different posts. i was afraid and unconfident in my work, nervous about what other people would think, i held out publishing for a long time, but what i did know was that i never lost sight of that vision. i would create a website. so that trip i did. i started from scratch on a new website creator and posted my first blog. i did not focus on the fact that it was not complete and took comfort knowing that it was a work in progress; understanding i would have to face trials and errors and that not all my work would be loved, but that i would keep persevering. i had my website for two years before this january actually being consistent with it (weekly blog posts)! and guess what! there are still so many times when i am about to publish a post on my blog where i question myself, worried about what others might think. i will reread it over and over and over, contemplating if it is worth sharing. what i do though is force myself through the uncomfortable awkward feeling and just go for it, because regardless i am growing from it. how awesome is that? even in our failures we are still able to grow and thrive! i love that. here we are three years later and going with more vigor than ever, but i would not be where i am at now, or even writing a submission for a magazine if it weren’t for those subtle and quiet acts of courage to just publish and share my website!

if you asked me a couple years ago if i was courageous or brave i would more than likely have said no, but i now know that i am courageous. courage comes in moments, just like the ones i shared with you, and even if all of my moments are not courageous, as these, it does not mean that i am not. i am courageous when i initiate a conversation in the store with an acquaintance despite overthinking if i should or should not. i am courageous when i share my opinion despite knowing others might disagree. i am courageous when i jumped off of a 40 ft. tall cliff even though i was terrified. i am courageous in creating and sharing myself in the most authentic and genuine way on my blog even though it sometimes puts me in a vulnerable spot. i am a courageous individual, and so are you. we are all courageous in some way or another and i think that it is important we recognize that we are.

i am telling you even if you do not feel courageous, you are. you are courageous you beautiful people you. find your courage, use it, live it, and continue to build upon it. this is your life. live it.

it's all good

over this past week i have heard multiple people say it doesn’t feel like summer, which it really doesn't. not only are cruise ships not rolling on in with thousands of tourists daily, but i have no travels booked so when a friend of mine asked what my summer plans were my initial thought was well not a whole lot of anything.. what is there to do? i should have been in iceland taking bridal shoots at stunning waterfalls and trying new foods, making new friends, and new memories. i should have been singing along with my boyfriend and thousands of other individuals at the justin beiber concert in safeco field. i should be. i should be.. but unfortunately with covid we all know that what we once were planning on doing as greatly shifted.

it sucks, no doubt, but the more i thought about it the more i reminded myself summer can still be filled with lots of good. what better time then to focus on the little things and little joys in life that don’t always seem substantial, but are some of the purest and most vibrant things life offers. its about falling in love with the journey of life not just the destinations. the beginning, middle, and off track stuff is just as important to enjoy and appreciate. we gotta learn how to romanticize our lives.

so to answer the question in regards to my summer plans here are some things i hope to do now that i have spent some more time thinking about it:

continue improving my blog: revamp, post more blog posts, work on travel guides, and update photos

shoot and edit more photos: only way to get better is to practice practice practice

read more: what better way to keep the old noggin working then to educate, learn, grow. i recently read infidel which was a really interesting book a coworker of mine recommenced. it was definitely eye opening to better understand muslim culture. as of now, i currently am reading no justice by robbie tolan which sheds light on the injustices in the black community. i am looking forwards to reading more educational books as well as some just for fun - great way to unwind.

be in nature: whether that is walking, hiking, beach going, or camping i plan to make time for the outdoors. nature and good sweats (rain or shine!)

hang out with friends: i love this one, but also have been terrible and setting plans. i miss game nights and being silly with my peeps, even if that means a FaceTime for my friends who live far

try new workouts and be more consistent with exercising: and by that i mean better managing my time so i don’t have to cut my exercises out of my day when other more needed tasks aren’t finished

relax: often times i forget to give myself a break - detox from social media and everything i feel i have to do to really just sit, watch a movie, cuddle up with a good book, chat with my parents, boyfriend, and/or friend

time with god: praise be to him who is always there even when I stray away. i could use some more time with him

really i want to make this season one of being intentional. i don’t want to live just going through the motions waiting for the next big thing to happen. so here is to enjoying the journey, no matter how unlike what we had pictured it is.

back to business baby

this week i am bringing back the topic goals because it has honestly become such a theme for this year's posts. these are the passions that our hearts desire even when we don’t know how we will get there or believe we can. here is the thing though; we can. we can achieve them, but first we have to get out of our head by dropping the lies and learning to be okay in the discomfort.

there have even been plenty of times where i am not motivated and don’t feel passionate enough about what i am sharing here on my blog. there are countless times when i complete a blog and wonder if it’s worth sharing; will people like it? is it relatable? maybe i should wait longer to post when i am more excited to post. the thoughts surface but every time i think about not posting it irks me more than the idea to write what feels like a mediocre post. no matter what i am constantly drawn back to it. compelled to push through the uncertainty. to keep going.

it isn’t just this way when it comes to my blog. no, for as long as i can remember i have been so hard on myself when it comes to just about anything. the perfectionist in me discomforted by the most minor things, especially in photography; one of the things i absolutely love. not just love a little, but a lot. ever since i was younger i always loved having a camera with me. i remember starting with disposables, getting my first actual camera on my 10th birthday because it was my golden birthday, as well as the day i received my first DSLR and the time i purchased another DSLR because i wanted an upgrade. it’s been with me so long and even so i still struggle with consistency in the art. 

this past weekend though i realized that i am so over being down on my work. over being down on my goals. over being down on myself. there is a reason i have these specific goals - they are meant for me.

over the weekend i had the pleasure to capture Kristan and Apple Caparas’ wedding and let me tell you boy was i nervous. it’s not like portraits where if they don’t turn out well you can always schedule another day. no this is a one time thing. you only got one shot to get it right. the night before i didn’t sleep the greatest and to make matters worse when we dropped off my car to get detailed in the morning we forgot to bring a key to get back inside the house. thank goodness there was one in my car, but that meant we had to drive all the way back to where my car was. i was already anxious and being late didn’t help in the slightest, but thankfully when i got there i was still able to have time to get some photos before the wedding (bouquet, rings, cake). the nerves settled and i went about taking photos as the shots came.

i’m still in shock that i photographed yet another wedding! it may only have been my second one, but i can definitely tell i am slowly getting more and more comfortable with it. trusting in my work has been a process. i have struggled with and worked at it for a long time. there would be periods of time where i would work hard; doing shoots and editing, but there were also periods where i didn’t even take out my camera because i was so down on my work. i have struggled with being consistent and sticking to it, not because i did not or do not enjoy it, but because comparison is a real killjoy, and i mean that in the least dramatic way possible. dramatic or not though it is truthful. there were times when i would go from liking and even loving my work to later seeing someone else’s photo and thinking about what made theirs better and why couldn’t i figure out how to do x, y, z with my photos. i would sit with one photo for hours and end up frustrated, hating it because it wasn’t “good enough.” the idea that my work wasn’t good enough would further lead me to question if i was good enough. was i cut out to be a photographer? surely i wasn’t cut out for it. that was one of the biggest lies i could possibly tell myself. why? because believing the lie made me stop trying, but here’s the thing with stopping- if you never move can’t move forward. meaning you won’t be able to get to where you want to be. discomfort is not always a bad thing and wanting to be better at your craft is what is going to help you succeed. it is your drive that will keep you moving, but you got to be okay with the discomfort, uncertainty, and the uneasiness of it. that is when you really begin to learn; when you begin to grow. think of it this way - you are a seed. the sunny weather (ie. all the good and happy times where life is easy going) is nice, it’s enjoyable, but what is a key component to your growth? rain! it is not always pleasant. it can be dreary and heavy, but without it growth is minimal. the same goes for our goals. not only are our struggles impactful, but they are needed. seeking goals is not going to be easy, but as long as you are still trying you are still moving. that is how you get to be where you want to be, by moving. 

do i always feel that i am cut out for anything i do? definitely not, but one thing is for sure and that whatever your heart's desire is it is worth trying, very much so. 

that is how it is for me when it comes to photography; i always get pulled back to it even if it’s been months upon months. i don’t feel as if there is a mistake in that. doing this wedding was not something i sought out but was an opportunity that came to me. even on the day when i regretted my decision having let anxious thoughts make home in my mind i went and got some beautiful shots that i look forward to editing. it’s my calling. it’s meant to be a part of me even when i have doubts. it’s a part of what makes me, well me.

i am still learning so much when it comes to photography. i am still learning about my style, how to use my camera to its best abilities, as well as learning to edit in lightroom and photoshop. heck, i am still learning how to blog and i have had it for 2.5 years now? is that right? oh my goodness. yes, it has been. work? learning and growing there too. working out? eating right? managing time? yep, yes, and all the time. i am learning and growing everyday, but i am done with being down on myself and my work. i have taken good photos, done good edits. i am a good photographer even when i don’t always feel it and even though i am not where i want to be. as for my blog, it has improved so much over those years and with more and more effort i can only begin to imagine what is to come for it.

we can be uneasy when it comes to goals. goals can be scary. they are challenging and often push us outside of our comfort zones. our goals are so much bigger though than some unsettled feelings. they are our calling, they are our hearts desires and what it longs for. they are our pieces, the glue that mends the soul. with that let’s get back to business baby. those goals are yours. nobody else. they are meant for you.

okay? okay.

it is safe to say there has been A LOT going on in the world lately and if you read my last post you would know that i have been rather stressed about it. then to top it all off my period came, which if you are a lady you know how much it can shift things. these past few days have been tough and emotional and honestly i’m burnt out. my body desires rest and for once in my life (well probably not once, but one of the very few times) i am actually going to listen to my body over the things i feel i “need” to be doing. i love my blog and I love my job (both of which i could and probably should be working on) but in order for them both to be their best i need to be at my best and sometimes that means going to sleep earlier. so that is what i am going to do and if you too are feeling burnt out remember that you are in control of your life. that means you get to choose how busy you are or aren’t.

the book i am reading, present over perfect, talks about a church that keeps expanding. while the growth of the church is good in some aspects, the church begins to lose its intimacy, and maybe even some of its purpose because the more people that attend the harder it is to really give to those who have been attending; to really get to know them. after awhile the growth becomes overwhelming. the reason though the church keeps growing is because they keep adding chairs, and if we compare that to our lives the chairs could be though of as all the things we say yes to. often its easy too say say to more than we can handle. more is not always better. more can be overwhelming and exhausting. we are in charge of the chairs though, we can add more or take more some away - same goes for the tasks in our lives. which of your chairs are important? which ones can you save for later? are there any that you really don’t need or want? evaluate and adjust accordingly. it is okay to not get everything done that you planned. just as to is okay to not always be okay.

i am such a sleepy gal and right now i am going to get ready for bed and try to catch some z’s okay? okay.

i stand

i am not going to lie, my heart is heavy writing this post. from the pandemic to the protesting and riots and everything in between, my mind yerns for some peace and clarity. when will it all stop? the panic? the confusing? the uncertainty? the hate? the separation? where is the peace? the kindness? and the love?

first and foremost, i must say that i am sickened by the recent event of George Floyd’s death and not just his, but the many before. we live in a country that pledges to have liberty for all and yet, my black sisters and brothers continue to fight for their freedoms, rights, and most importantly their lives. i will never not be sickened by videos of police brutality or racism in any form.

it has taken me a long time to muster words together, because i do not want to say the wrong thing, but i realize my silence speaks more than my words or misunderstanding ever will. therefore i will not be silent nor i will not be complicit. this way of life has to stop. this narrative has to change and the only way it will change is by being active in the fight. “you can’t just be non-racist, you must be actively anti-racist.”

obviously i still have A LOT to educate myself on, and thus why i kept this post short - to let the voices we need to be hearing be amplified.

link to learn more (articles and videos that help us to better understand the history and the fight):

https://docs.google.com/document/u/0/d/1H-Vxs6jEUByXylMS2BjGH1kQ7mEuZnHpPSs1Bpaqmw0/mobilebasic

link with resources to help (a comprehensive list of petitions to sign not only for George Floyd, but others such as Breonna Taylor and Ahmad Arbery to name a few, as well as places to donate and other resources):

https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co

please help in any way you can.

“jesus in luke 15. 100 sheep, but one goes missing. Jesus leaves 99 and goes after the one. the 99: “but don’t you care about us? don’t we matter?” of course the 99 still matter, but they are not the ones in danger. the one is.”

a new and ever evolving norm

here we are for another new blog post; week 22 to be exact. it still blows my mind thinking that i have been so consistent with it because each week has not always been the easiest. even more so because the time we are living in has definitely shifted from what we are used to. this meant that i was continuing to build a new habit while adjusting to a new way of living. in this period, and especially within this past week though i have been practicing being okay with slowing down. constantly reminding myself that it is necessary to slow down, and unnecessary to feel guilty about it.

last week i really struggled with this as i shared in my blog post. i was overwhelmed by the lack of motivation and hated that i wasn’t as productive as i wanted, but here is the thing, my body and mind needed it. it was my body and mind’s way of saying hey, i need a break. i need to rest. why are we even in a hurry? what are we rushing towards and for?

we don’t need to be in such a hurry because we are exactly where we are meant to be.

i think that is probably one of the biggest take-a-ways from quarantine; really embracing the present. because of quarentine people were able to rest, do projects that were always put on the back burner, more families were able to spent quality time with one another. people were able to just be. now, i often hear people taking about wanting to go back to normal and while i get where people are coming from; wanting to be able to do the things they love; spending time with family and friends, traveling, attending sporting events and concerts (oh honey i am right there with you) life will not go back to the way it was. it’s not meant to. life as we knew it is not the same life as is, or even will be to come. this season in quarantine has taught us so much and i pray we don’t forget all of the reminders and lessons we have received from it. i pray we keep holding dear to all that we learned in quarantine. i pray we continue to value our time with our loved ones. i pray we continue to support our local businesses. i pray we remember to slow down. i pray that companies continue to care for the health of their employees and costumers (not just psychically, but also mentally). there has been so much good that i could not begin to imagine going back from. may we continue to improve the so called norm and to always be evolving in everything we do. that goes for other things too that are and have also been apart of our norm for decades. no more political games, and no more racism. more kind hearts and more love.

i think that is why over these last couple weeks as work is slowly getting back to full time i feel overwhelmed. finally when i started getting used to a peaceful productive and practicing being okay with rest i was practically flung back into an old reality that i don’t want to go back to. thing is it so easily consuming. it’s easy to get back in the mindset of more, more, more. now, obviously it is up to me to and each of us how we let the season we are in effect us, but it is hard, no doubt. we are headed towards a new season though, whether we are ready are not, and while this past one of quarantine may not have been the greatest, let us carry with us the valuable take aways. further let us embrace the new norm; never losing sight of a greater good and continuing to pursue a life that is beautiful and holy.

“and this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless” - philippians 1:9-10

*title goes here*

hello you beautiful people you, i have a feeling this blog post is going to be a short and sweet one because my motivation and inspiration has been at such a low these past couple weeks. not only has my blog been suffering, but i have noticed that i am not being as productive in other projects as i would like to be. part of it is because most all of my projects involve being on my computer whether that be editing photos in lightroom or working on my blog, but with the recent sunshine filled days i have been spending as much time outside as i can. ya girl needed a tan and plus i love getting a good book and enjoying a relaxing afternoon soaking up the sun. regardless of the weather though, i still can not say i would be the go-getter to these projects as i was a few weeks ago. the start of quarantine i was using the new found free time to really hone in on my extra projects, and while there is still plenty i could and probably should be working on the drive to do so has slowly withered away. i absolutely dislike it, but sometimes it really be like that. creative and unmotivated ruts are the worst and i wish i had a guaranteed answer on how to get out of them, but unfortunately i am still trying to figure it out myself. while i don’t have all of the answers here are a few things to remember when feeling unmotivated and not inspired. i need to remind myself of these more often too!

  1. it is okay: i know it sucks not feeling as if you are doing all that you can or should be doing, but it is impossible to always be motivated. we are bound to have days where we don’t accomplish everything we wanted to do or we don’t feel as passionate about projects as we hope. we are humans, imperfect beings, it’s time to stop being so hard on ourselves. plus, if there is no active deadline that you have to meet there is no need to force something that isn’t ready. sometimes all you need is a bit of time and self love.

  2. it won’t last forever: sometimes our ruts may be a few days and others could be months. not having a date to when we will feel motivated or inspired again is tough, but place ease in knowing that nothing lasts forever.

  3. push yourself: energy fuels energy. if you are feeling lazy and continue laying around chances are you will not suddenly decide to go on a 5 mile run, but if you choose to get up and go on that 5 mile run, even despite not really wanting to, you will likely feel more motivated to do things after, even if it is just the laundry and cooking some dinner. maybe you won't, but often all you need is that extra push to get going. just the other day i went on a run after going back and forth with myself. i really was not feeling up for it, but having decided that the weather was perfect for it, i wouldn’t have to wake up as early to run the next morning, and it really had been awhile since i ran, i got ready and headed into town to run along the promenade. to my surprise it was the best run i have had in a long time. once i got going, i found my groove, and it felt so good. i ran three miles in 28 minutes meaning i had been running 9.3 minute miles which compared to my 11 minute miles lately was absolutely amazing. when i finished i felt empowered so much so i added a couple extra leg workout moves to end it. now this wasn’t an overall best time, but it was my best time in quite awhile so it is a win in my book. i was blessed to have had such a good workout. it’s always nice when it works out that way. now chances are it won’t always be the greatest workout, but either way you still got up and did it which is something to be proud of! that doesn’t just go with running or working out though, but on any task you may be doing.

  4. change your perspective: this one is more directed to being uninspired, but i think one of the biggest things i have learned to try when in creative funks is to try something different. back in the summer of 2018 i was really struggling with my photography. not only was i really hard on myself and my work, but i lost all desire to even try to better my photos, thus i avoided picking up my camera up all together (obviously not helpful). then that december when i was back home i decided (with the help and encouragement of a friend) that i would do a shoot with a couple other photographers and a model. i was skeptical and not confident heading into it, but having found a lens (50mm) that i had not even used before i decided i might as well try something new out. i had nothing to lose seeing i was already in such a creative funk. it was just what i needed - a new perspective. all situations and circumstances will not be as easy as changing the actual lens, but trying new ways to tackle projects and task, even ways you think may not work or that you might not like, can help you find just what you might need to spark that creativity again. you really don’t know unless you try.

thank you, next

i know i usually start typing my weekly blog post on monday, but i wanted to share something with you all that happened today, april 29th, 2020. it was a fairly average day in quarantine; i worked out, showered, had a work meeting over zoom, posted my weekly blog, etc. etc. etc. until i finally received an email that i had been waiting weeks to receive.

i am going to back up a little bit though so you have better context for what is to come… a couple months ago a friend of mine shared a magazine with me that takes monthly submissions based off of a theme. she suggested that i type up a submission for their magazine. i was quite flattered that she thought i should and while i was a bit nervous to put myself out there i decided that i would give it a go. i wanted the piece to be something that i was passionate about and although i struggled to find a story to tell i came to an idea i was excited to share. as the thoughts started coming i made sure to jot down note after note not wanting to miss any point or detail. before i knew it i was at the screen typing away. editing and revision were made a few days later and when it came to the end result i was quite pleased with my work so i sent my submission in. the following days i checked my email more times the i would like to admit, because i was so excited for the possibilities of what was to come. what if my submission was chosen? what if i was published in a magazine? i even thought about how i would announce i had a published piece.

having seen the email i quickly opened it to only see that my article had not been selected. it was disappointing, but i was surprisingly okay with it. maybe i had been expecting it a bit, but not because i did not believe that my piece was good enough - it was my first time submitting to the magazine or any magazine for that matter. i know i have a lot to learn and if anything being turned down only fueled my fire to write more. i will have a piece published in a magazine. that’s right, for the people in the back I WILL HAVE A PIECE PUBLISHED IN A MAGAZINE. i am speaking it into existence now, in this very moment, because failures are learning lessons and only disappointing if you choose to see them that way. i, however, am choosing to see this as a time to continue growing as a writer and individual. this one wasn’t meant for me, and maybe the next one won’t be either, but i know i will get to where i want to be. thank you, next (submission).

i’ll be honest though.. when i originally submitted my piece i didn’t want to tell anyone. only 3 people knew i even submitted it because in reality i didn’t want to share incase i did not get it. i did not want everyone to see me “fail”. i put fail in quotations because i really don’t view it as a failure (well at least not now anyway) because you learn so much within the process of it all. sure it seems cool to think about announcing being in a magazine with nobody’s knowledge i was even trying to do so in the first place, but it fails to show all of the hard work and trails that come with achieving goals. if i were to hide when i did not reach what i was after it would portray a false idea of pursuing dreams and that’s not what i want. from the start of my website i always said (and still do) that i want to be raw and real with y’all because that is where the magic happens. thank you to the book i was reading because the author reminded me to be even more open than i had been or wanted to be through sharing her own experiences and struggles in all of her achievements. do not be afraid to share the messy parts. too often do be we play them off, embarrassed to be open, but i really think that is what makes us more real.

if you have been needing a reminder of how awesome you are and that failure doesn’t define you,, here it is. keep grinding you beautiful people you and keep pursuing those dreams! you are fully capable of it!

giving grace

happy wednesday you beautiful people you. we have spent a lot of time discussing how determination and perseverance help us achieve our goals. while sticking to a solid consistent routine and replacing old habits with better ones are important, there is a HUGE, astronomical piece, that i have yet to address; when we aren’t where we want to be. it’s nice thinking that we will always be motivated and power through our dreams with ease, but what happens when we complete a project that we aren’t as in love with as we hoped? or what if we aren’t as productive today as planned because we got caught up on a new Netflix series that we just had to see how it ends? or what if you are feeling behind in life because everyone seems to be doing more than you whether that means they are accomplishing more, traveling more, dating, engaged, married, or having children?

well,, for starters

we need to give ourselves grace.

it is okay to mess up, start over, and even scratch ideas. everything we set out to do will not be a success… at least right away. can it be a success? of course! but chances are you (and me and everyone else) will experience failures time and time again. sure social media doesn’t typically portray this side of our lives, but ask anyone and they are sure to have faced some trailing times of their own. what is awesome though about failure is that we truly do learn from it. it is in our failures where we grow the most so embrace them, learn, and keep growing.

it is also okay to take rest days whether that means physically or mentally or both. when we are well taken care of and healthy we are all around better humans to put it simply. we are better children, siblings, friends, workers, etc.

it too is okay not to be experiencing the same things as your peers. there is not a specific age where you must be dating, getting engaged, married, buying a house, or even having kids by. our journeys are all going to look a bit different so just keep doing you and taking the days as they come. those things will all happen at some point and time if you so choose. if not that then is okay too. remember this is your life, not anyone else’s.

all that is easier said than done though right?

i personally struggle with this. from as long as i can remember nearly everything i did had to be perfect and if it wasn’t i would focus on it and redo it until it was. even seemingly small things like if the alignment wasn’t just right or the font was too small could potentially frustrate me. not to mention comments that weren’t praise turned into remarks where i was seemingly falling short. other times i would over analysis situations; replaying conversations in my head, going over where i should and should not have said things. regardless what it was if i wasn’t where i wanted to be i would beat myself up about; sometimes through negative self talk and other times because i was frustrated at how frustrated it made me. i have indeed made improvements over the years, but there are still plenty of times where it feels i can’t do anything right and i am sure i am not alone in this thought.

this idea of “getting it right” is so unachievable though and it is sad that so many women and men struggle with it. we can really be our own worst enemy. i mean, what really is right? your right and my right might be completely different.. and maybe they aren’t, but regardless there are just about 7.6 billion people around the world. 7.6 billion people. that is a lot of people meaning there are a lot of different ideas of what is right. heck, even if somehow everyone shared one idea what is more important is that whatever you do you should be enjoying it. living your life to the kindest, fullest, and happiest version of yourself.

for at least 13 years i let myself believe to some extent that i was not good enough, but i know despite the lies i have heard and even have made up myself i am a worthy child of god. only recently have i laid this out before god; praying that i can give myself grace. praying daily that i can see myself as god sees me; in his divine image. he sees you too and you are so worthy and so loved. yes, even when it doesn’t feel it.

give yourself grace and love. we are all doing the best we can with the best we have. just as that goes for other people we encounter too. be gentle, kind, loving, and giving of grace just as god does to us.

“may god give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of god and jesus our lord.” - 2 Peter 1:2