this week i am bringing back the topic goals because it has honestly become such a theme for this year's posts. these are the passions that our hearts desire even when we don’t know how we will get there or believe we can. here is the thing though; we can. we can achieve them, but first we have to get out of our head by dropping the lies and learning to be okay in the discomfort.

there have even been plenty of times where i am not motivated and don’t feel passionate enough about what i am sharing here on my blog. there are countless times when i complete a blog and wonder if it’s worth sharing; will people like it? is it relatable? maybe i should wait longer to post when i am more excited to post. the thoughts surface but every time i think about not posting it irks me more than the idea to write what feels like a mediocre post. no matter what i am constantly drawn back to it. compelled to push through the uncertainty. to keep going.

it isn’t just this way when it comes to my blog. no, for as long as i can remember i have been so hard on myself when it comes to just about anything. the perfectionist in me discomforted by the most minor things, especially in photography; one of the things i absolutely love. not just love a little, but a lot. ever since i was younger i always loved having a camera with me. i remember starting with disposables, getting my first actual camera on my 10th birthday because it was my golden birthday, as well as the day i received my first DSLR and the time i purchased another DSLR because i wanted an upgrade. it’s been with me so long and even so i still struggle with consistency in the art.

this past weekend though i realized that i am so over being down on my work. over being down on my goals. over being down on myself. there is a reason i have these specific goals - they are meant for me.

over the weekend i had the pleasure to capture Kristan and Apple Caparas’ wedding and let me tell you boy was i nervous. it’s not like portraits where if they don’t turn out well you can always schedule another day. no this is a one time thing. you only got one shot to get it right. the night before i didn’t sleep the greatest and to make matters worse when we dropped off my car to get detailed in the morning we forgot to bring a key to get back inside the house. thank goodness there was one in my car, but that meant we had to drive all the way back to where my car was. i was already anxious and being late didn’t help in the slightest, but thankfully when i got there i was still able to have time to get some photos before the wedding (bouquet, rings, cake). the nerves settled and i went about taking photos as the shots came.

i’m still in shock that i photographed yet another wedding! it may only have been my second one, but i can definitely tell i am slowly getting more and more comfortable with it. trusting in my work has been a process. i have struggled with and worked at it for a long time. there would be periods of time where i would work hard; doing shoots and editing, but there were also periods where i didn’t even take out my camera because i was so down on my work. i have struggled with being consistent and sticking to it, not because i did not or do not enjoy it, but because comparison is a real killjoy, and i mean that in the least dramatic way possible. dramatic or not though it is truthful. there were times when i would go from liking and even loving my work to later seeing someone else’s photo and thinking about what made theirs better and why couldn’t i figure out how to do x, y, z with my photos. i would sit with one photo for hours and end up frustrated, hating it because it wasn’t “good enough.” the idea that my work wasn’t good enough would further lead me to question if i was good enough. was i cut out to be a photographer? surely i wasn’t cut out for it. that was one of the biggest lies i could possibly tell myself. why? because believing the lie made me stop trying, but here’s the thing with stopping- if you never move can’t move forward. meaning you won’t be able to get to where you want to be. discomfort is not always a bad thing and wanting to be better at your craft is what is going to help you succeed. it is your drive that will keep you moving, but you got to be okay with the discomfort, uncertainty, and the uneasiness of it. that is when you really begin to learn; when you begin to grow. think of it this way - you are a seed. the sunny weather (ie. all the good and happy times where life is easy going) is nice, it’s enjoyable, but what is a key component to your growth? rain! it is not always pleasant. it can be dreary and heavy, but without it growth is minimal. the same goes for our goals. not only are our struggles impactful, but they are needed. seeking goals is not going to be easy, but as long as you are still trying you are still moving. that is how you get to be where you want to be, by moving.

do i always feel that i am cut out for anything i do? definitely not, but one thing is for sure and that whatever your heart's desire is it is worth trying, very much so.

that is how it is for me when it comes to photography; i always get pulled back to it even if it’s been months upon months. i don’t feel as if there is a mistake in that. doing this wedding was not something i sought out but was an opportunity that came to me. even on the day when i regretted my decision having let anxious thoughts make home in my mind i went and got some beautiful shots that i look forward to editing. it’s my calling. it’s meant to be a part of me even when i have doubts. it’s a part of what makes me, well me.

i am still learning so much when it comes to photography. i am still learning about my style, how to use my camera to its best abilities, as well as learning to edit in lightroom and photoshop. heck, i am still learning how to blog and i have had it for 2.5 years now? is that right? oh my goodness. yes, it has been. work? learning and growing there too. working out? eating right? managing time? yep, yes, and all the time. i am learning and growing everyday, but i am done with being down on myself and my work. i have taken good photos, done good edits. i am a good photographer even when i don’t always feel it and even though i am not where i want to be. as for my blog, it has improved so much over those years and with more and more effort i can only begin to imagine what is to come for it.

we can be uneasy when it comes to goals. goals can be scary. they are challenging and often push us outside of our comfort zones. our goals are so much bigger though than some unsettled feelings. they are our calling, they are our hearts desires and what it longs for. they are our pieces, the glue that mends the soul. with that let’s get back to business baby. those goals are yours. nobody else. they are meant for you.