as i scanned the aisles at church this past Sunday i thought to myself how ironic it is that we are all wearing masks now. physically it’s new, but i wouldn’t say wearing a mask or at least putting up a facade is new. we naturally wear “masks” to cover up all of the imperfections of our lives. we share the highlights we ease, but when it comes to the less picturesque things that even slightly suggest we don’t “have it all together” we sweep them away. even when we do share some of the imperfections it is after having found a way through, maybe even a solution. whether it is to hide personal imperfections or at the cost of pressures that come along with societal views of gender roles, race, religion, sexuality, political views, etc. as humans we have a hard time just being raw and real and honest.

i know i put my mask on from time to time and i am not just talking about my cloth mask, although i do that as well. i am talking about the front that i put up when i don’t want people to know what is really going on. the front that makes other people think i have it together when all i feel is lost and confused. the front that i long to give to god, but feel it is my duty to carry.

so i want to be as straight forward as i can be, take the mask down, because i know that this season has not just been hard for me. it has been a tough time for us all. it’s different, it's slower, it’s unfamiliar. it’s particularly messy and it’s okay if you have’t been feeling okay. you don’t always have to have it all together or all figured out. with that said a few weeks ago i had found out that my last planned trip for the year had been cancelled (obviously due to covid) and i was completely devastated. i remember my boyfriend telling me at dinner and i just sat there quietly, as if a bomb waiting to go off, and once i couldn’t hold it in any longer i cried, and cried, and then cried some more. honestly by this point, after i went to blow my nose, i was bawling. the tears wouldn’t stop. in that moment i felt trapped, hopeless, and alone and i would be lying if i said that those feelings all went away. this was the only thing that i had been looking forward to. the last thing that i placed hope in - the thing that said hey! the year is not ruined. the thing is though is that i was placing so much of my excitement on the future that i forgot to focus on the present.

to be present. to be grounded. to be centered. those things all seem like they have been so far away and even when i do grasp them before i know it they have faded away and the stress and anxiety have come back. learning to be still is tough. learning to be vulnerable is also tough, but i find it’s harder to breathe with the mask on then it is off. i believe when we take down the mask we have allowed society to place on us - when our authentic selves are free it is also easier to breathe, to find peace, to be centered, grounded, and present. to just simply be.

yesterday, was the first day in awhile that i was able to do just that. the night before i decided that it was time to take a much needed day off from work and you want to know what as much as i needed and wanted it i struggled to send the message because it’s not always easy to admit needing a break. i sent the message though and it was the best thing to do. it was such a beautiful feeling to just be even if it was just for a day. i did not worry about getting a list full of things done. instead i did the things that i wanted to do. i had a slow morning reading my devotionals, got a nice sweat in, had a wholesome visit with my nana, and read while cuddled in my blanket with the sweet sounds of rain just outside my window. not to mention i got to spend the evening with my love for a lovely little date night. talk about the beauty of being present. it wasn’t a trip to Paris or an concert or anything big and yet, all the same it was perfect.

i am not sure why this year has been all over the place to say the least with all that has and is going on, but maybe, just maybe, this all has been god’s way of saying hey, my children there is more to this seemingly mess. maybe it is time we take this mess and find the message/s. i think that one of those messages is finding the beauty in now. being present again.

if you have read this far what is something you have learned or have been reminded of during this year?